Who Is REALLY In Control?

Were you aware how intricate power dynamics TRULY are within BDSM? It's easy to see what it is on the surface- the dom/me is dominant, therefore she's more powerful and in control. The sub is giving away his/her power to the dominant. But with anything surface, it is merely a representation. We must bypass this representation for deeper meaning and truth with all things.

Surely if you've been somewhat aware of BDSM paradoxes, you've heard the phrase "the submissive is always in control"- why is this a basic "truth"? The illusion is that the dominant is telling the submissive what to do, but behind the scenes, s/he/they is/are tailoring the scene to meet the needs and interests of the submissive. Because the submissive can always stop the scene (well, if negotiated right and if it's within safe confines of BDSM play) they do seemingly wield the control. A good example of this in film is "The Duke of Burgundy" which at first depicts a sub/domme dynamic one way, then reveals the underlying dynamics are not what they first seemed.

Now if you add money into the mix, it becomes even more complicated. By existing in our world, even if we reject money and what it represents, we recognize it is a signifier of power and status. Therefore, if the sub is paying for the session, he/she/they is/are enforcing their control- if we reduce it to a transaction, well, someone is providing a service and someone is paying for a service- therefore the service needs to meet the approval of the buyer. The dom/me has little truth agency within this payment because even unconsciously, she recognizes that she must in fact, account for the sub's satisfaction otherwise it's not good business.

If you are TRULY, truly submissive, how do you negotiate your submissive needs in a world where your submissive needs are actually being diverted in these power exchanges? It's important to recognize that even though you may be meeting some level of your submissive needs, there most likely is a part of you that feels truly deeply unsatisfied because of these power obstructions where you can't fully, ever, let go. Where you're always somehow in resistance and know that you're in control even in a space of submission. On the other side of the coin, have you also ever considered that even though you're sessioning, that you're not truly submissive? That it's the illusion of giving away your power and being submissive that's a turn on, but that secretly you relish being the one dictating the turn of events?

For the sub it's good to distill to the truth of what you're seeking. What are your needs? Are they being met? Do you actually want to be submissive or is it too scary to fully let go? Are you okay with illusory power exchange and domination?

For the dom/me- the way to renegotiate this is to rework your own understanding of power dynamics, business dynamics as well as the meaning of money. If money doesn't hold any power over you, then a sub can not hold power over you. That's easier said than done- on some level anyone who lives and breathes is upheld to some understanding of money as power/status. We must evaluate WHY- and remove the layers of unnecessary conditioning surrounding this. You also must review your own needs. Are you truly truly dominant in that being dominant gives you pleasure, are you providing a service or are you people pleasing? There are three main layers here: interpersonal, personal and business. 

Once both parties figure the above out, the distillation itself will generate clarity that attracts the right partners for the given time. 


Feminine Dominance

I'm inspired to write about how femininity relates to my style of dominance. If you've been following along with me over the last year you might've read some bits and pieces of this, but today is when I put it all down on one page.

When I tell people I'm a domme, most will remark how masculine they would think dommes are. They're surprised because I'm so feminine, so soft. The truth of the matter is there is a great misconception here: that POWER is associated purely with masculine traits and that to be DOMINANT you must be more MASCULINE.

There is great, great power in properly wielding femininity. Masculine dominance is about power over others- it's a struggle, because one person must assert him/herself as ALPHA. Whereas, with feminine power, no one needs to struggle. The feminine power is and he, even alpha, submits to her willingly. Her dominance can be subtle, it can be sweet, it can be flowing and not forcing, and that's what makes her strong

As I've mentioned before, we have such weak associations with femininity in our society that by identifying as feminine, we often misidentify what it truly means. There are strong versions of femininity too- and no woman must give away that side of her to be perceivably strong and powerful. There isn't just one meaning to strength, nor is there just one side to femininity, nor to masculinity. 

By being a soft, feminine mistress, I can in fact, heal not only the repressed feminine aspect of you, but also give the masculine aspect a needed respite and direction- just because the masculine can be harsh does not mean that it does not need nurture- in fact, it NEEDS and CRAVES it because it is its opposite, and it is its complement. 

Living by Example

As someone who chronically did things for others to help them, I recently came across an earth shattering truth: sometimes it's more important to be, than to do.

By being in your most powerful self, most centered self, unconsciously you liberate someone else more than you can by trying to do the ground work for them. You can't change a person, only a person has the power to do that themselves if they want to. You can certainly support a person through their trials, but by doing the work for them you increase the risk of them being dependent on you- and that can often become draining, depleting, AND cut the other person from their own resources and life force.

If you come as your most liberated self, your energy inspires other people to do their own work too because they see that something more is possible.


Someone who has had control over you at one point in your life will always have control over you unless you consciously decide to clear it, even if they are no longer physically in your life.

If you look back at all of your relationships, albeit seemingly disparate in nature, they're all different version of the same thing. I mean work relationships, situations, romantic relationships, ANY and all circumstances/people you attract into your life. You're attracting them because subconsciously there is a MATCH to a circumstance/person that came before, that you're still working out.

You'll then see that NONE of those situations were about the other person in the end. You might think it is, that's how our conscious minds like to direct our focus. It likes to trick us. It likes to convince us other people are the problem and we can find the solution. In reality, the people this is "about" are just showing us what it is we still haven't cleared inside of us. We ARE the solution, but the problem isn't what you think it is.

It's important to acknowledge that all of these things, even though they're difficult and can shake up unresolved uncomfortable feelings within us, are here to SHOW us something- to bring something to consciousness so that we can move forward. We need to thank it instead of sinking into victim behavior of "poor me, why did this happen again?" it's giving us the information to move forward. 

Sometimes you'll see that all of these circumstances collide and you fall into a rut. It might seem bleak, but this is your ego holding on as best as it can while you upgrade in vibration. It needs to create as many distractions as possible, but the breakthrough is near. Once you learn that you are not your small, egoic self and that nothing you think matters so much is actually important, and that your power comes from you as spirit, that's when you understand your truth.