A lot of the difficulties I faced embracing being a dominatrix was due in part to protecting my father. He is very well known in his circles and especially in China because he is a protege of a man who won a Field's medal and is renowned for work he did with a very famous physicist- yes that one. I remember being little and circulating amongst Confucius' descendants and renowned intellectuals in China and in the states (people who have led to our current definitions of time and space). I understood since I was young seeing the way people treated us with deference in China that he is a celebrity. I knew that because of how conservative his field is, if it came out what I did, it would taint his image and disrupt the family. My dad got his PhD at Harvard against all odds- not only did he fail his exams, he didn't even apply and not only that but all seats were already filled that year. He came from literally nothing at a time when culture was demolished and immigration was difficult. I detail more of his history in my chapters I've published on Amazon. From afar, I am very fascinated by him- he is a key example of when someone has a destiny, it finds them despite all odds.
My parents had only, at least to my knowledge, slept with each other. They were as traditional as traditional can get. I've imagined what the conversation would be like if I were to ever tell them I am what I am, and I love what I do. Even my imagination can't go that far.
Was I afraid to be who I am? Of course. I was scared for my life. My mother and I struggled a lot because I was so different from her. I always was a rebel and the more she forced her opinions on me the more I went the opposite direction. Well here I am now. A lot of our struggles were her telling me I wasn't open minded because I wouldn't do what she wanted of me. Well, I think I am pretty open minded.
Being me meant there was a lot at stake and I suffered for years, unable to sleep at night, stewing in paranoia and anxiety. What if my parents saw my photos? What if my more conservative friends found out? I really tried several times to be "normal"- carry out a 9-5 (more like 10) in fashion- my interest in obtaining a phD was in part because I saw this as my last chance to be "normal" and make my mother and father happy. I even at one point in time, considered a post-bac in pre-med and I got into Columbia. Alas, that was not my destiny.
The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt them. And that fear ate away at my core. When I was working at a dungeon I was so ashamed of myself at times that I couldn't even make eye contact with the barista. But that was the old me, the one who cared what people thought, the one too in touch with ideas of "prestige", acceptability- the one who didn't prioritize my own happiness and well being, and the one who let fear rule my life. I started to realize that by protecting them, I wasn't doing anyone a favor. I definitely wasn't doing myself a favor- I lived in a half existence where I was afraid to put my heart into something I loved. I was in some ways, lying to them and I was keeping people who should not have been in my life, in my life. My intention was pure, but it is still not kind to lie. We were all in limbo, the liminality between truth and deceit, and it was my fault.
The more afraid I feel of something, the more I'll do it now. I do not allow it to dictate what I do and don't do and to be quite honest, as of late I live in a complete state of fearlessness. I remember being young and being obsessed with a book series about a girl who was born without the fear gene. She was superhuman- I wondered what life could be like so fearless, but without being a sociopath. Well, I am there now, and I am still human and my heart is still pure. If you are stuck and can't approach this state, re-evaluate your priorities and what you think you need to survive. Simplify. The things we truly need are plentiful. Humans are meant to be more self-sufficient than any other species. We don't have opposable thumbs and high intelligence for nothing. Fear is of course adaptive- we need it in certain life/death situations, but the perpetual state I'm discussing here is not natural, it is conditioned. It is ego
Fear is one of the lowest vibrations we can have and it is the one that we are all taught to live in. The media teaches us to be fearful all the time. Our cultural programming also teaches us that we need to struggle and feel pain and anxiety on a regular basis. But WHY should we really be afraid? Of anything? Examine the roots of your fears and it will reveal itself to be nothing. The biggest looming fear is of course of death- but that is inevitable. Why should we be afraid of a natural life cycle? When did we learn this? Why are we so attached to a material existence that means nothing in the end?
We lose the will to learn because our schools teach us that learning comes with dread, boredom, stress and losing sleep. We think we learn best cramming, not sleeping for a week. We stop going for foods, people, places and our real interests, ones that fuel us, because we are taught to look for the opposite. We learn to only want what we can't have (Again- because we're led by LACK), the things that are actually wrong for us. We go for people who treat us badly, or those who play games because we believe this is how things go. We think narcissism is confidence and dismiss real security which reads rather subtle. We believe in people who trick us because the larger system tricks us day to day. We do not understand real value of life, people and things anymore. Value becomes calories and price tags- those are arbitrary, relative, and some would argue calories are not even accurate.
Life should feel as a flow- things that naturally come to us and we experience a synergy with, are the things that should be. But we replace ideas of power with ideas of force. Forcing something, making it work when it isn't supposed to, is not real power. Our structures of being are so flip flopped it's ridiculous. The highest value person and situation is one that does not play games because it is/they are assured of their own value. But somewhere, somehow, we learned to disregard this and instead, go for low energy games with people who do not treat us with respect. What do our circumstances and people around us reflect? How we allow others to treat us, and essentially, how we treat ourselves.
Really think about you as an entity. What is your higher purpose? Do you have one? And what patterns and psychodramas are you still fulfilling, to prevent yourself from claiming who you really are? Why default to force, when you can flow?
I feel bliss. I feel light. This was the life I never thought I could ever have, because I did not believe it was true. Therefore, I could not see it was an option even if it was right in front of me. We choose our struggles, we truly do.
This is my declaration that I am not afraid. My face is unblurred- my life story and my heart are out in the open. I understand the risks well, and I say FUCK IT