My mother is dying. It's strange, but even in November of last year I dropped out of a wedding on May 20th because, I said, "my mother is going to die around that time," It was abstract then, I didn't know how I knew. All I knew was that it was going to sound ridiculous and I didn't expect the bride to understand, nor did I try to explain. It resonated as truth and I hoped that it would stand alone in that reverberation.
I came back here a day before my birthday ready to spend an intensive week healing her. I'd been sending her reiki for the past few weeks, several times a day sometimes, to help her with her acute headache. But I noticed despite my attempts, something was wrong- I felt a stabbing pain in my left abdomen whenever I was around her. I felt sick and dizzy, and part of me didn't even want to give the energy to her for whatever reason. I still can't figure out why and I did feel guilty, but even when I tried despite feeling like I was being stabbed, barely any energy would come out. It then stopped all together when she went into the hospital for the second time during my trip. This time, to the ICU.
Think higher, I reminded myself. Approach her with love. Let go of the resentment and the anger. I've undoubtedly had a lot of anger that I'd been repressing come up during my healing process. Because it's difficult to distinguish what is just treatment and what is substandard and factoring in the issue of personal worth. Mom can feel that she provided me enough, but if I don't encode it as so then the discordance is where my self-esteem was impacted as a child. I wanted to change my belief system so that I no longer accepted sub par treatment and abuse while still remaining grateful for what they did for me and try to temper any entitled feelings. This is a difficult feat, and I'm sure those of you who have struggled with this for many many decades will understand. Remember, I'm not yet in my 30's. I'm still growing, expanding, learning every day.
I know in my heart that my mother was draining me from the time I was a child. When I was a kid I couldn't move sometimes, I was so tired all the time. There's still a piece of me now that unconsciously allows it. That's why whenever she did give me something, I didn't feel grateful, even though I am profusely thankful for anything I receive in my life. I think part of me always knew that most of what she did in her life was because she had taken my energy and now she was only just starting to give back some. I think that when I couldn't give her more energy, it was because I literally couldn't anymore. Part of my lesson was learning that I'm entitled to some of my own energy too after a lifetime of giving it away to people who couldn't sustain themselves. And the stabbing pain was an energy cord alerting me that she was draining me again, now that I had re-established contact.
I was afraid of this happening, and that's why I opted for avoidance for many months as I finally started to heal. But what I've come to find is: unconditional love will break toxic cords. Unconditional love can rise above all, because it is the highest vibration that occupies its own space. What more is, sometimes people are unconsciously hurting us without knowing it. And it's alright to vocalize it to bring it to the consciousness. And when they make a conscious decision to stop hurting us, because many who do hurt us would stop if they knew what they were doing, it goes away.
This afternoon was the first time that I felt better since I've been here. For days I felt like I was drowning because I was feeling her pain- her headache, her lung infection, her tiredness and inability to move. I felt her frustration and even read her thoughts that she wanted to die. Her headache disappeared in the last few days and her room in the ICU has an elevated energy that tells me angels are with her.
She told me that she had been following my writing on here for a while and that she's known what I do for a while. She wrote, because she cannot speak anymore, "why don't you get a real job?" I could've been angry that my parents had been hiding this from me and surveilling me, I could've been insulted, but instead I recognized that there was still acceptance and love there despite the incapacity to understand. They even bought the book I had been guided to publish on amazon, which I removed a few days into my trip here. I'm not sure why beyond following my intuition.
In the end I realized that the lesson here was to learn how to accept. To accept is the precursor to love. It's natural to have expectations of those around us. Especially for me, because I was raised with perfectionist ideals, I sometimes can be hard on the people close to me. But when we accept others for who they are and decide whether they are invited into our lives, it can really liberate us. And we can love those who are toxic for us, too. That is part of acceptance, though it's important to watch out for how they affect us.