Who Is REALLY In Control?

Were you aware how intricate power dynamics TRULY are within BDSM? It's easy to see what it is on the surface- the dom/me is dominant, therefore she's more powerful and in control. The sub is giving away his/her power to the dominant. But with anything surface, it is merely a representation. We must bypass this representation for deeper meaning and truth with all things.

Surely if you've been somewhat aware of BDSM paradoxes, you've heard the phrase "the submissive is always in control"- why is this a basic "truth"? The illusion is that the dominant is telling the submissive what to do, but behind the scenes, s/he/they is/are tailoring the scene to meet the needs and interests of the submissive. Because the submissive can always stop the scene (well, if negotiated right and if it's within safe confines of BDSM play) they do seemingly wield the control. A good example of this in film is "The Duke of Burgundy" which at first depicts a sub/domme dynamic one way, then reveals the underlying dynamics are not what they first seemed.

Now if you add money into the mix, it becomes even more complicated. By existing in our world, even if we reject money and what it represents, we recognize it is a signifier of power and status. Therefore, if the sub is paying for the session, he/she/they is/are enforcing their control- if we reduce it to a transaction, well, someone is providing a service and someone is paying for a service- therefore the service needs to meet the approval of the buyer. The dom/me has little truth agency within this payment because even unconsciously, she recognizes that she must in fact, account for the sub's satisfaction otherwise it's not good business.

If you are TRULY, truly submissive, how do you negotiate your submissive needs in a world where your submissive needs are actually being diverted in these power exchanges? It's important to recognize that even though you may be meeting some level of your submissive needs, there most likely is a part of you that feels truly deeply unsatisfied because of these power obstructions where you can't fully, ever, let go. Where you're always somehow in resistance and know that you're in control even in a space of submission. On the other side of the coin, have you also ever considered that even though you're sessioning, that you're not truly submissive? That it's the illusion of giving away your power and being submissive that's a turn on, but that secretly you relish being the one dictating the turn of events?

For the sub it's good to distill to the truth of what you're seeking. What are your needs? Are they being met? Do you actually want to be submissive or is it too scary to fully let go? Are you okay with illusory power exchange and domination?

For the dom/me- the way to renegotiate this is to rework your own understanding of power dynamics, business dynamics as well as the meaning of money. If money doesn't hold any power over you, then a sub can not hold power over you. That's easier said than done- on some level anyone who lives and breathes is upheld to some understanding of money as power/status. We must evaluate WHY- and remove the layers of unnecessary conditioning surrounding this. You also must review your own needs. Are you truly truly dominant in that being dominant gives you pleasure, are you providing a service or are you people pleasing? There are three main layers here: interpersonal, personal and business. 

Once both parties figure the above out, the distillation itself will generate clarity that attracts the right partners for the given time.