Remembering: Our Greatest Defeats are our Biggest Blessings

Two years ago I remember a psychic coming up to me on the street. She said, "You're stepping into your life purpose. It has to do with the color red,"

I looked so confused, I'm sure. It was meaningless, as I had just lost everything I was clinging onto. I wanted my purpose to be a professor (but only limited to a few high tier schools) because quite honestly, that would've been validating to my ego and would've upheld my family's unrealistic expectations of "success", but that road was paved with obstacles I hadn't foreseen. The only thing I "had" was something I wasn't fully committing to because of the shame, the stigma, the internal devastation and conflicts-- domming. It was the only thing that was always "there" for me, anchoring me in something true that I tried to run away from. I wasn't ready for truth.

My mother was dying. I felt so incredibly lost. I had no sense of who I was, and at every turn I felt like I was trying to "find" myself in a world that's constantly changing. It's impossible. My reality especially my internal reality was imploding. I was always held in esteem by my peers, lauded for my successes, used as a shining example, and here I was in the middle of my worst nightmare: absolute, abject failure.

The concept of a healer wasn't ever on my periphery. I knew I was different than most people, but I never knew in what ways besides being weirdly intuitive and empathic. I guess I tried my hand at so many different things, and although I was "good" at all of them and could've done them, I would've felt like I was pretending and my heart would only be slightly invested. I couldn't live a life like that, that much I knew.

My whole world had to fall apart. I had to have all opportunities taken from me to FINALLY see MY path. And I had to turn within to get to know who I really was-- I had to explore the extrasensory self, the empathic self, the kinky self. All parts I hadn't unwrapped for fear of being alienated, rejected, for fear of SELF-LOVE because I was taught that was wrong. To appreciate, understand and validate the self felt like a betrayal, because I was supposed to only occupy what I "should" be, and because "should" is in opposition to pure being, it's not allowed because it would hinder "progress"

And then I found it. I found my ability to heal and I realized how deep it went. I realized how connected it was to my heart and my breath and my reason for being alive. I felt the power, the energy, that came with accepting that truth. I realized even when I was little I'd been doing some form of it for everyone I encountered without ever knowing. Then I found the one key to healing: to heal yourself first. People can always sense when you chronically take care of others because you're avoiding something within- and covering it up with "successes" of the people you're "helping", moreso, distracting yourself with, and people can sense who's done their real brutal work and can therefore really truly heal others too. Something changed in me, but the change was more a shift into present-ness, into self-hood. I'm not scattered, I'm not lost, I'm just me.

This is a time I can say that everything I went through the past few years, and man, it was the shittiest time of my entire life, amounted to something. That if none of that had happened, which at times when I was going through the thick and thin of it all, I wished was the case, then I wouldn't have "become". The worst things happen to us to push us into places inside of us, and outside of us that are unbearably uncomfortable. But that's when I realize our potential, we open our minds and we examine what versions we locked ourselves into for "success" and how that contradicts happiness. We then are set free to find our happiness.

Holding onto Others' Energies

Many times, the people I see for healing are those who are trapped under layers of energy that isn't even theirs. There's an unconscious mechanism at play where the person has been trained to take accountability for it, they hold it in their space.

Today I saw a woman who smiled so wide afterwards, and said, "I feel like a different person, but I'm the same person. I forgot this is what I feel like"-- I replied yes, your energy is naturally vibrant-- she spent so long carrying other people's pain that she forgot her natural state of being: pain free. effervescent. 

I remember that being the case for me for so, so long. I do also remember the day I remembered who I was, what I felt like. It felt like coming home, a home so beautiful I at first didn't feel I deserved it. I was used to living in a home that was cramped, uncomfortable, painful. When I first realized what "I" felt like, what came out first was everyone else's pain. My chronic back pain that sometimes immobilized me went away. After the sadness left, there was anger, frustration, and then finally, peace, awareness.

Remember what YOU feel like. And feel that YOU deserve that. YOU deserve to be purely you. Examine deeply the concepts held about what can be in your space, what you must hold onto, remember that the depression, pain, anxiety that clouds you, that dulls you, that keeps you stuck is NOT your reality and you CAN emerge from it. The healing process initially can feel a bit rocky and violent, as change is uncomfortable and all the stuff you suppressed coming out can feel like you're out of control- but stay with it. You need to go through it. You need to confront your demons to accept your full self without fear.

What Does it Mean to Be "Present"?

I know you hear this a million times a day. Be Present!! Be Present! Everywhere there's a reminder to stay in this moment. You ARE in this moment though, you acknowledge that you're alive, which renders "staying present" absolutely meaningless, right?

That's what I thought for most of my life- being present to me meant distracting myself from what was really going on. Resistance to being "here". My mind was always traveling somewhere else- future, past, thinking past where I was always. Lost in worries or delusions of grandeur, thinking of what ifs, possible outcomes, and when I would "make it" and all of my self-doubts would go away and I'd get all the validation I secretly craved. In a weird way, I probably was more "present" because of my complicated relationship with THE PRESENT.

It wasn't until recently that I truly understood what this "woo woo concept", or, what I thought was something I'd only be urged to do at yoga, really meant.

It's a feeling. Energetically speaking, it's a subtle shift where everything looks hyper focused. Bodily, it feels like your energy travels straight down to your feet- when you're standing, well, you're really standing-- your feet have a weight to them and you actively feel them pressing into the ground. It's a sudden realization of "oh, I'm here" followed by "and everything is ok"

It's scary, because you do actually acknowledge that this is all you have. That future you were planning for all your life may not even happen and you'll have to be ok with it, and that starts now. With this dawning comes a sudden openness, of, wow, if that's not the outcome, then I have so many outcomes, and I have no fucking clue how it's all going to come together, who's going to reach out, who I'll meet, and it all starts NOW.

It's a sudden realization of, there's no foundation, and yet, you're standing on something solid.

The mind isn't great with paradoxes because of the focus on the left hemisphere. Paradoxes confuses the linear mind. 

I remember mostly as a child, not wanting to be present with my mother. I expected she'd always be around, and I'd have a habit of procrastinating on everything including experiencing the present. It was like, I'd store away all these moments in my memory to process later when I was alone. I didn't want to be around her to experience the wide range of things I felt towards her and still do-- all the love, anger, pain, confusion and misunderstanding. It was too much. I was taught since I was little not to feel.

It's been almost a year that she's been gone, and I'm left with the remnants of all those moments I never fully sunk into, that I never committed to because I was afraid. And in her absence, I recognize the importance of fully, fully committing to each moment of every day. Even in those moments that you feel like shit and everything isn't going your way, that you'll never get out of this, even in those moments you are annoyed at everyone. It's okay- just feel into it. Commit to it, and by committing to those moments you can commit to the better ones so much easier.

I wish I was present with her. It was like every moment I had with her I went into shock. And now having gone through the regret and the pain, I arrive at: the present. 

This is a beautiful place to be.

Remember: surrendering into the moment doesn't mean giving up. It means committing, and that is an action and a choice.

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This session was such a delight. My sub who is such a bright and interesting individual noted that this was the first time he truly let go of control in a session. He decided to come into it without telling me any of his interests beyond the power exchange and trusted that I intuitively could gauge him. I love that he knew how to maximize the experience for himself, and also what it was he needed on his path. Immediately I knew this was someone with many, many ideas, and that he was currently working on how to allocate and invest his energies for efficiency. I felt his energy which was mostly above his heart come back to its center and then finally, embodied, throughout the course of his session. That was my intent: to clear the pathway for his inspiration and ideas to come through to him so he was no longer using up his energy reserves in his mind and instead, getting back in his body to manifest his goals. Furthermore, I wanted to clear any obstructions for him to flow in alignment. 

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My session with Aleta was a very powerful experience. I was initially very nervous but I felt a sense of calm as soon as I walked in. Aleta is the kind of person that you immediately feel at ease enough to share things with. Another thing I immediately noticed about Aleta and throughout the session is that she is unbelievably present; more than I have ever experienced with anyone else before. She is 120% engaged and with you.  I have done some BDSM sessions in the past but never in the context of spiritual/holistic healing. I felt sensations that I haven't felt before. Aleta stresses that the only way out is through, and I've internalized it. During and after the session, I feel more open to accept things and to let go of the past, which has provided me with a real sense of relief. I also felt bursts of inspiration and enlightenment, and a renewed energy wash over me. Aleta has helped me discover and unlock my full potential which all exists deep within. 

In the days following the session, I feel a lot less anxious and a sense of calm. I don't try to control everything around me and I just let the universe do it's thing. I've also been dreaming of things that I completely forgot about which is an indicator of the subconscious sorting things out and doing a "spring cleaning". 

Carrying the heaviness from the past has been weighing me down and finally letting go has allowed me a sense of peace, and I'm open to accepting new blessings that the universe sends my way. I feel like the journey has only begun for me, but I'm glad that I embarked on this journey with Aleta. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!