BDSM // Deeper Bridges

As a society accustomed to skimming the surface & being addicted to IMAGE, going deeper runs counter to our acclimated "instincts" 

But the truth is, if we step back and notice the patterns in our relationships, in the people we attract we realize that it's not even about these relationships at all. They speak to larger and deeper traumas we have yet to heal. We are so used to looking at the shallow things like diet, behaviors yet remain blind to what this really comes down to. I always pictured this as a pyramid- pour water starting from the very top and the rest all gets saturated too but most people keep pouring water at the very base hoping that it will somehow infuse the pyramid. They don't want to try to find where the top is because the sun is too blinding and it's too painful to look up. I noticed that once I aligned my higher goals, smaller goals fell into place too. This is the same for trauma.

For example, in the past few years I've found myself drawn to men with a paternal instinct but who are deeply flawed as people (and if it sounds like they took care of me- quite the contrary, I would nurture and take care of them- they gave me NOTHING). I realized recently that it wasn't about these men at all- it's about what I didn't get from my father growing up (he had NO paternal instinct whatsoever) and the imperfections felt familiar to me as I was used to rationalizing bad behaviors. These lessons kept presenting themselves until I dealt with the real thing and didn't just acknowledge it and bury it away. Finally, I realized just a month ago that to heal meant not that I had to keep beating myself up trying to "love" him when I couldn't- that's how I thought forgiveness worked (society has a way of making us believe that to forgive means to be a door mat and excuse other people's poor behavior). Forgiveness means understanding him for all he was- all of his excuses, his past. It meant, accepting him as he was and no longer rationalizing his behavior and understanding that I will get nothing from him. It meant recognizing that I deserved more and that I had to see him as a very brilliant man with an incredible destiny and thriving career and knowing the truth: that he's a shitty person (I'm re-watching Kill Bill and realize he's exactly like the abusive prideful Pai Mei- no joke) and... moving on. I realized I did not need his love- because I never knew what it was. We can't need the things we never had, we can only want the idealized version created in our minds. He wouldn't be able to live up to that at all and not getting his love was not at all personal- he just didn't have the capacity for it.

It's no wonder that every time I get a text or email from him (which is probably like 20x in my entire life), I get so anxious I want to puke because my fight or flight response kicks in. It's no wonder that I don't even know his phone number by heart.

In terms of goals- in the past I always beat myself up about being disorganized or having a fucked up eating schedule and sleep schedule. I beat myself up over not exercising enough. But each time I found a concrete goal and diverted every ounce of energy into it, my eating and sleep naturally fell on a schedule and I became very organized. I suddenly wanted to take care of my body in a new way- I wanted to optimize not only my body, but my mind so I could have a better chance at achieving my goal. The root was that I didn't find something I cared enough, therefore I felt worthless, therefore I did not feel the need to take care of myself- do you see?

It's truly so simple, but there is such a large industry dedicated to emotional training, self-improvement. BUT IT IS REALLY SO SIMPLE. YOU DON'T NEED THAT SELF-HELP BOOK, WHY DO YOU NEED TO TEACH YOURSELF HOW TO HELP YOURSELF? WHAT???? You might need someone who knows YOU and who can help you refocus, remain present and give you a break through, a decluttering and a reset, but the rest happens naturally ONCE you are really authentic and honest with yourself. If you grow dependent on something or someone, this is not a good sign- this is either the sign of a parasite or a sign that you are NEEDY and have a lot of work to do. I make sure to always pick subs and slaves who are highly functioning individuals in their personal lives so that although there is a healthy relationship burgeoning and a set dynamic, we are still productive without one another and even more so with one another in it. We are meant to be self-reliant, that is why we are born with a set of instincts, that is why cave men survived long before self-help books. I know what you're thinking- our society has evolved so far beyond that, this cave man metaphor is irrelevant- oh but it is very relevant. Our society is full of LIES- it is not as evolved as you would think.

You have all the answers- if you haven't found them perhaps you are denying, repressing, or distorting. Do you know how much energy it eats up to be subconsciously firing up self-defense mechanisms all the time? Do you know how much more you would have to offer if you stopped wasting all that energy?

LOOK AT YOUR PATTERNS AND THE RELATIONSHIPS IN YOUR LIVES CLOSELY, HONESTLY.

Although I approach BDSM as a cleansing of social patterns and personal patterns, from my experience many of you who seek BDSM providers do have traumas that need processing and may not even realize it. All of us have traumas, that is a part of life, but for those who consciously go out of their way to find someone who represents a female archetype (by nature, a domme is archetypal- mommy, goddess, teacher.. etc) it runs deeper than that. I'm not here to create trauma where there isn't, but look deeper. You may be on your path to healing.

You do not want to choose a provider who cannot heal and actually worsens those traumas. This speaks to a deeper unaddressed issue within you, that you do not feel deserving of healing. Why? Ask yourself.

If you feel a strong pull towards me in particular, not because of what I may elicit from you physically but something from the heart and soul, it means you are ready to move forward to the next stage of life. One of more awareness, openness, honesty, strength and abundance. 

A RICHER life. No, not $$.. money is a part of abundance, naturally, as it stands in for energy but it is not everything and it is not what makes you happy. When it is everything, you'll quickly find that it is in its very essence, EMPTY. 

Change is scary, but man, it's worth it.