2010

In 2010 I told my mom the diagnosis from the various doctors I had to keep seeing because the PTSD was getting out of control. I had 5 or even more, panic attacks per day. 

I believe that the human body and mind stores traumas and takes many years to process them depending on our own healing capacity and speed. In 2010 I'd already left home for several years and that's when the history of my traumas rose to the surface. If I had to continually deal with the abuse, my body and mind would have stored it up so I could keep fighting. At this point in my life not only was I dying in my own body every day, but I had so much self-hatred because of all the messages I internalized from them every day. It never occurred to them to recognize these very obvious signs and understand their own culpability or how to help me instead of turning it around so that I had to support them emotionally while I was suffering.

This was the only time she ever acknowledged the abuse and apologized for what she knows, deep down, was her failure as a mother. The job of a parent is to protect and raise a child. To violators who not only don't do that, but go against it and hurt their own, there is wrath.

Her conditions have had many chapters. The first was the throat, which I've detailed previously. The second was a brain aneurism during which her heart stopped for 10 minutes. The third which baffled many doctors (and the best in the US) endlessly was her chronic blood infection. It all mostly happened in her higher chakras- there was a bad blockage because she was not a reflective, self-aware person. Instead of introspecting she blunted. This caused a disruption in her connectedness to her self, and to her life.

Do you know the metaphysical meaning of these diseases? Blood is our history. Is our life force. By denying the truth, the reality and distorting it, she is polluting her own blood lines/history. She is attempting to rewrite the history as she and my father were amazing parents and people, and I was the problem.. The brain is connected to our higher chakras (crown and brow). She dismissed her intuition, she never had a maternal instinct, and she was not at all spiritual. Even after 3 close to death encounters she continues to deny, gaslight and deflect her own responsibility. Each time I went back to take care of her and the family, she became needier and reverted to a childlike behavior. Part of me felt an instinct to ignore her and dismiss her needs as much as she did to me when I was actually a child (partly out of retribution and because she is a fully functioning adult)- but I overrode it out of compassion and continued to cater to her neediness. Even when I'm not home she likes to have me on call so that I can help her when she doesn't know how to parent my little brothers. 

This was all way before she got sick too. Not to mention she turns every moment into attention getting by revisiting how she almost died. It becomes used as a tool for entertainment and manipulation (aka: your mother almost died- don't dare disobey her!), not as a pathway to potential growth and healing. She revisits how much blood was on the floor straight to the faces of her children who are shaking and anxious, because these stories are re-traumatizing, because they were the ones who discovered her like that before calling 911. She likes knowing that she can get a strong reaction out of us, that’s why she withheld the info from us that one of her doctors told her she wouldn’t have long to live- only to reveal when we were all too stressed.

She had a smirk on her face.

The moment when we see our parents are people, and not just people, but deeply flawed people is the most disappointing and relieving thing. She always wanted to make me seem weak so in comparison she could be the strong one, and I believed it for a long time because who grows up thinking their parents are wrong? Intuitively knowing they’re wrong is a different thing. I am done coddling her ego and pretending that she was a great mother when she even, deep in her heart, knows the truth (and continues to fail me as a mother all these years- you would think someone who has been through this much and has been forced to connect to the divine/life/death cycle would come to an awakening and understand the error of their ways- but alas, it does not happen for everyone. All the buddha statues in her house aren't helping). 

And now I also understand that as a healer, my parents (especially my mother) fed off my energy and that is why after I left home, she got sick. And that is why subconsciously she tries to manipulate me to go back home as much as possible. She needs a feeding.

The email before this one she admitted my father was bipolar.