Vocations

I remember being a kid and listening to stories about how my friends’ parents met. The ones that stuck out to me were the ones where love was a gradual process. Initially, there was resistance, hesitancy for whatever reason, but then when they gave in, their love lasted a life time.

I’ve come to find that my narrative about domming resembles that. At the very beginning, I wasn’t fully committed- one foot out, one foot in. Most of my reasoning for why I shouldn’t be involved a fear of abandonment by my family and the hardships that come with fighting against social stigmas.

But our hearts are stronger than our minds. And as much as our minds may resist, we do unconsciously follow our hearts.

I remember being in different jobs after I graduated college, and finding that I was content with the money I was making, the roles I was offered but something was missing. Besides the gradual dimming of my flame, I woke up one morning at 24 and thought, I could still be doing this at 35 because I’m content. But would I be happy? No. Things came easily, I was fine, I was a success story on the surface, but something felt wrong.

I quit my job immediately.

I remember the feeling I got in my gut when I first set foot in a dungeon. It said to me, “this is where you need to be”. My eyes felt watery and I found it hard to breathe. It was similar to the only other time I felt it, and it was when I first set foot in New York. I knew I wanted to be there, I was sure, no matter how much my parents told me I was being closed minded by not considering another option. 9 years later, I still call New York home.

The more I commit myself to domming, the more I fall in love. The process was gradual, but it’s real. This is the only vocation that makes me feel challenged, alive, invigorated. It is new, exciting every day and I channel that positive energy into all areas of my life. And it allows me mobility and growth. It’s made me a more compassionate person, someone who doesn’t carry shame and erases the shame of others. We really see depth and darkness. At the start it scared me, but something kept me tethered. Then it drew me closer and I’ve become a lot stronger because of this exposure.

I’d always listen in to stories about people finding their calling and always doubted them. There was no way that someone could be pre-destined to be good at one thing, or at least I wasn’t. Nothing seemed to capture me, and I was losing hope. But I keep finding myself here, despite the skepticism, and the more I practice and refine, the more I realize I’m born to do this. Every quality about me that I hid, or was told would set me back has come into play as my strengths.

I grew up hearing, “When your heart is in something, there’s no stopping you,” I always knew that it was about my own investment but the unfortunate thing is that it was very difficult to find something that evoked that interest. When I was young, I’d always get interested in one thing to quickly drop it; perhaps I can be fickle. But when I find it, I know, and when I’m committed, I’m in 100% and there’s no turning back.