Dissociation

As a child I always wandered away in my dream world. In class I doodled, at home I day dreamed. It was so bad that most of the time I wasn't there. This earned me a reputation of being "in my head" or with my peers, as strange or weird. I always accepted this as part of me without realizing what it was that was going on. It still happens to me to this day although with meditating every day and practicing mindfulness it's gotten much better. The shift to a different time and place away from the present happens so naturally I often think I am being present because for me, it is the present.

In the same vein, I used to not feel pain. I would be bleeding until I felt that something had happened to me. Some of you who have worshipped my feet and legs might notice that there are scars- it's because I actually don't know I'm in pain it's too late. As a child I used to scratch myself until I was bleeding so much. If I had a scab, I'd pick it all the time- now looking back I realize this is considered self-harm. I can understand why people cut themselves- as a teen I thought I'd never do that without realizing I basically did.

We think that these are decisions that people make, but really, trauma induces these types of behaviors regardless of how cognitively aware we are. It's not attention-seeking behavior, it's an actual cry for help.

What inspired me to write this is that recently i've come to terms with just how detached from my body I am. As an expert of other people's behaviors and emotions, I sometimes have little recognition of my own. Because I'm rarely "in" my body. I thought it was what I'm like until more research and speaking with more experts. I realize that this type of dissociation happens with trauma. It makes me so angry sometimes realizing this and knowing in instances when this trauma expressed itself it was pushed back on me. And how long I was silenced and forced to accept that the result of trauma was my own fault and to accept it as another reason to not like myself.

The reason for dissociating from mind and body? Aggressive and long term abuse. It's literally that the person can't be in their body and mind and needs to "leave" but can't leave the traumatic situations. It's a resigned escaped, a defense mechanism. Unfortunately then, I had no place else to go outside of mind and body. I wasn't yet in touch with my spirit. But now I am, and it's helping me realize all of this. The lotus blooms from murky water.

I'm writing this because I want you to recognize these thing about yourself that are "flaws" or that other people have pointed out as strange. And recognize that maybe it's not your fault. And that it's okay to express whatever it is that created it, or to seek that reason when you know it doesn't belong to you. That it's okay to separate it from who you are, and realize that it's how you react because it served a purpose but now is the time to move forward and let it go.